A review of the past week’s episode of LOST from a frustratedly loyal (and loyally frustrated) fan. This week: Meet the new folks, same as the old folks (in other words, they’re just as retarded as everyone else on the Island).
LOST, Episode 4.02
I. Chip & Dale’s Not-Exactly-Rescue Rangers And The Oceanic Plane That Took Its Name A Little Too Seriously
A. I’d appreciate if the flashbacks could show some sort of character development. That peek into Daniel’s life showed us nothing except he cries at the television. So unless Daniel is like the overemotional aunt who gets worked up over Extreme Makeover or Wheel of Fortune, I would like to get a little more insight on him next time, thanks.
B. That plane seems remarkably intact and recognizable for having plunged into the equivalent of an underground mountain range.
C. Why were they so remarkably unprepared for a helicopter-grounding electrical storm? If you’ve got a freighter out in the middle of nowhere trying to track Fantasy Island, then I feel like you should know a little bit about the super-magnetic-crazy-glowing-purple-sky shit that pretty much defines the place. The two things you should be prepared for above all else would be electrical storms and a giant smoke-beast. If one of you dies via the Security System, you are certified idiots.
D. What part of Naomi’s helicopter having a meltdown and crashing inspired so much confidence in these geniuses that they decided to send a whopping four people with the second chopper?
E. If Naomi was the de facto leader of this band of misfits, why did she, of all people, go to the Island on her own? And if she knew how to fly a helicopter (albeit not well, but clearly no worse than Captain Ron), what was the point of having a pilot on the team to begin with?
F. Two ways you know Daniel will fit in on the island:
1. He came ready-made with a handgun tucked into the crack of his ass, just like everyone else.
2. He clearly should not be in possession of said gun…just like everyone else.
G. Is the Ragin’ Asian a genuine Ghost Whisperer, or just one of those fools on the Sci-Fi Channel? Is a dustbuster all it takes to call up the spirits of the deceased? If so, should I be concerned about vacuuming? The carpet in my apartment is pretty old.
H. Is it just coincidence that the woman who the Ragin’ Asian swindled had heroin hidden in the walls and pictures of a kid that looked like Mr. Eko (he of the heroin-smuggling missionary plane) hanging on them? What could Eko possibly be doing in America, besides building churches on Mom’s front lawn and carving scripture into his Little League baseball bat?
I. When Naomi died, did they replace her with some Madame Toussad’s wax figure of herself?
J. Yes, of course, a polar bear with a Dharma collar. On the northern coast of Africa. Being excavated after several hundred, if not thousand, years. This makes perfect sense. It’s all coming together. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think my brain is bleeding.
K. Rather than kill of Tom just to bring back a poor-man’s version of Tom in Frank, couldn’t we have just kept Tom? He seemed more interesting, plus he might have been gay, which opens the shows appeal up to new demographics. The only new viewer Frank is going to attract is Dog The Bounty Hunter.
L. Forget this bullshit about the ring, Captain Ron. Why don’t you point out how the body of your pilot friend looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings?
M. If I narrowly missed getting on a flight that disappeared and killed everyone involved, I would be doing backflips across Los Angeles, not descending into a Jimmy-Buffet-induced madness for some Bahamian tourism company. But maybe I’m just an asshole.
N. How did Captain Ron bust his head and his iPhone when he put the helicopter down intact? That must have been one hell of a dismount.
O. Diet Eko was awfully convinced of there being no survivors on the plane for a man who went to the trouble of strong-arming Future Hurley into saying whether or not “they” were still alive.
P. You’ve got a licensed pilot who managed to save your helicopter and put it down safely in the face of a huge storm…and yet Sayid is the guy who needs to check the thing out for damage. Sure, the guy’s an Iraqi MacGuyver, but there’s a more qualified guy on the scene, no?
Q. Minkowski’s job revolves around the five people who went onto the island, including the now-dead one. He’s on the ship waiting for the latest news on how the ACTUAL PURPOSE OF HIS JOB is coming along. He currently exists for no reason other than to answer the phone…and yet he’s having a receptionist screen his calls.
R. So if Ben’s the purpose of their mission, I hope part of that mission involves getting a photo of the man where he isn’t dressed like an Oompa Loompa and leering like the creepy tech guy. I’m not saying they need a Glamour Shot of the man, but if you’ve done enough research to find him on an unfindable Island, you should be able to get a clearer shot. Check his MySpace or something, shit.
II. Soon-To-Be-Crazy Jack and The Currently-Crazy Brand Of Idiots Who Continue To Follow Jack’s Leadership And Expect Different Results Than Before
A. This is the part of the show where the Adam and Eve of LOST ruin what little leadership credentials they had remaining. Some 98-pound scientist in a tie falls out of the sky with a crate full of gas masks, a gun tucked in his ass and no apparent skill in handling himself socially. There are two of you, and you’d probably rank on the Top 5 list of tough Island folks, for better or worse. You’ve spent most of your time here kicking ass or having your ass kicked. When Bud Bundy starts waffling on your questions, would it kill you to put en elbow on his chest and squeeze out some answers?
B. Why does he get let off the hook when someone else shows up on radar? You still have to walk over and find the other person – can’t the conversation continue during the stroll? All you do on the island is walk around and shoot the shit. Nobody’s learned to multitask? More importantly, it’s good to know that, despite searching for answers since Day 1, these two dipshits are content with letting the issue die just because they have to go hike somewhere. This delayed gratification crap is for the birds.
C. How did no one on the beach see the chopper approach? It flew over the cockpit, which was within five minutes of the beach (just like every other major landmark on the island, of course). I get the feeling Sayid was used to detecting aircraft overhead in his previous life. The man’s done everything short of turning into The Professor and making a radio out of a coconut, and he wasn’t on the ball here?
D. Were I to be Sayid (a boy can dream), if Juliet looked me in the eye and asked me how many guns we had left, I wouldn’t slap the taste out of her mouth but I sure as hell would want to do it. We (and by we I mean the two of them, Sawyer, Hurley and the Mystery Machine OF DOOM) killed like 43 Others and took all their guns no less than 24 Island hours ago. The number of guns you have when you ask that stupid question is exactly the same as the number of guns you had yesterday when you helped collect them. What the hell did she think he did with their new armory? Is there an Island pawn shop I’m not aware of? Is the local police department running a firearm exchange program somewhere?
E. Also, when you DID show up on the scene, you were each holding the same gun that you had the LAST time you needed to hold someone at gunpoint. Not like either of you needed the Rambo-style cache of weaponry.
F. Did nobody notice Kelvin’s (Hatch dude before Desmond, the one Desmond killed) body out there on the flats where they found the Ragin’ Asian? Of course, if they didn’t that would be a shock to no one, because he probably came back to life and ran off in the jungle to join all of the other Walking Undead. Seriously, Boone and Shannon look like total pansies right now.
G. One benefit of Jack was learning from his own mistakes and using the same “you’re surrounded” trick that Tom Friendly used on them way back when. He didn’t quite have the same flair that the Others did, though. Pretty much everything Jack does is a ham-handed version of another, better idea, so this is not surprising.
III. Swiss Family Locke
A. If you have to take a hiking break so your leader can stand out in the rain by himself for 10 minutes or so, you’re probably going to question your decision of which side to go with. Then you remember that the other option involved enduring another chapter in the Jack/Kate Dawson’s Creek bullshit, and rainy-face Locke doesn’t seem so bad.
B. Somewhere between Locke’s history of working in a box company, working in a toy store, getting swindled out of a kidney and accidentally betraying a marijuana farm co-op, I doubt he found the time to attend a leadership seminar. Hence why he always walks around assuming everyone will follow him because he’s right, instead of actually giving them confidence in trusting your judgment. Half of the camp just threw a middle finger up at the only guy who’s led them in the past 3 ½ months, and the first thing you do as their new figurehead is take a rain shower and tell everyone that you’re not leading them where you said you were going to lead them. While this could lead to an astounding political career once you accidentally leave this place, it’s definitely cramping your rep as Island Jesus.
C. When Hurley accidentally name-dropped Jacob’s cabin, were Benry and Locke both planning on how to lure hum out to the Dharma pit for the ol’ gunshot-to-the-midsection trick? Would the bullet go all the way through on Hurley? More importantly, if Walt appears to him and inspires him to crawl out, would he even be able to, or would it just be awkward for everyone?
D. I don’t care what fancy bird-killing, polar-bear-conjuring powers Walt has, John. Don’t tell everyone you’re taking orders from a 12-year-old. Again, it’s not inspiring a lot of confidence among the underlings.
E. You’d think that Locke and Sawyer would get along better, having bonded over their lives being ruined by the same guy…and then over collaborating to kill that guy. But it’s nice of the show to use their conversation as an excuse to hastily answer burning questions like “Why did Walt look older?” and “Why is Locke not feeling the effects of the gunshot?” Now try explaining why Tall Walt had the beginnings of a dirtstache developing on that upper lip, LOST! What kind of Island hoodoo causes that?
F. Interesting that Sawyer was more perturbed by Walt being tall than by the prospect that he helped John despite having driven away on a boat like, a month or so ago. Also, not to rain on the visionary parade, Locke, but anyone would look taller when you’re looking up at them from the bottom of a death pit.
G. At this point, you have to think that Benry’s got some masochistic tendencies; I’ve never seen someone openly solicit so many asskickings. He’s got to be enjoying them by now, in some sick way.
H. That’s messed up that they’d sacrifice Vincent to fool the other folks. Couldn’t they tie the transponder to a tree? Didn’t Vincent choose to stay on the Island just like everyone else? What if Vincent becomes part of the Oceanic Six now?
I. It’s really great that you guys stepped up security in the wake of Naomi getting killed…and then Naomi escaping. I mean, Benry’s a pretty volatile guy and it’s important that you keep an eye on him and make sure he’s not within arm’s reach of a gu- oh wait, he just shot someone. You’ve got a lot of people in this posse, can someone PLEASE be given the title of “Person Who Makes Sure Benry Doesn’t Fuck Shit Up?” Someone OTHER than Rousseau? You know that somebody’s free now, because whoever was keeping an eye on Vincent suddenly has some more free time on their hands. Now they can hold a different leash.
J. Next time someone breaks down and starts kicking Benry’s ass, don’t bother hitting him in the face – it clearly isn’t working. Just break his hand, for pete’s sake.
K. Benry has pretty much been the bane of all your existences since he came into your lives, but everyone in camp was fighting you over trying to kill him, Locke. Maybe if you hadn’t acted batshit crazy in your first few hours of leadership, they would have been more keen to the execution. You gotta build some trust before you murder someone in cold blood, you know?
L. Of all the things to drop at the last minute to save your life, Benry, I think the “man on their boat” thing is a little lackluster. Clearly, this advantage hasn’t exactly been paying in dividends thusfar.