Burger King French Fry and Ketchup Flavored Chips – The Taste Test

Hand modeling by David Cantu
Hand modeling by David Cantu

Not so long ago, I wrote a piece about my discovery of the new Burger King French Fry and Ketchup Flavored Potato Chips.  It has been among our more popular offerings in recent weeks.

Today, David buzzed my office and told me he was coming over.  I knew I should have followed my first instinct and left.  I didn’t.  I won’t make that mistake again.  David popped in with a bag of the aforementioned chips that was roughly the size of a small chihuahua.  He wanted us to do a taste test since I hadn’t eaten any of them when I first posted.  I balked at first, but thought better of it.  I won’t do that again.
After fortifying my system with some actual food at lunch we reconvened in the office break room with camera in hand.  What follows are the actual events of that fateful outing.

It.

I originally captioned this picture “It’s all about presentation kids.”  Apparently WordPress knew something about the inherent evilness of these things that I didn’t.  (scroll over the picture).  I grabbed a paper plate and we poured a sampling of the chips on it.  As David tore open the bag I couldn’t help but thing this must have been what Pandora felt like.  Once they were on the plate, David stuck his face down near them and said “Hey, they smell like French Fries.” 

 Hey, they smell like French Fries.

I didn’t dare stick my face that close to the plate for fear of getting some sort of debilitating respiratory disorder from accidentally snorting in a cloud of that red dust.  I think its made from stuff scraped up in Chinese toy factories.

Nothing would ever be the same.
Nothing would ever be the same.

I agreed to go first with the understanding that David, as harbinger of this evil, would eat some too.  I sat down and grabbed the chip off the top of the pile.  They look a little bit like Chili Cheese Fritos.  I like those so I thought this was going to be similar.  After all, aren’t ketchup and chili distant cousins?

Throwing caution to the wind
Throwing caution to the wind

Boy was I wrong.  I stuck the chip in my mouth and was immediately assaulted by a vinegary taste.  Sure, there is vinegar in ketchup, but there’s also tomato and some kind of proprietary Heinz-Kerry preservatives.  Without those, this went right off the tracks.

David didn’t get any good reaction shots of me, so we’ll insert his here.
What have I done?
What have I done?
The chips have just hit David’s tongue and he’s wondering if he will look less manly if he rushes over to the trashcan and spits them out.  The answer was no, but he soldiered on.  I ate two so David knew he had one more to go.
Make it stop!
Make it stop!
Notice after the second chip David is giving serious thought to ripping his tongue out by the root and throwing it against the wall like the damned thing it is.
These things do not taste like ketchup, french fries or anything made of potatoes or tomatoes.  They taste like evil.  If the devil has a taste this is it.
Stay away!  Stay away!
Seriously, they are just nasty.  And they get even worse the further away you get from them.  They have the ability to coat your tongue and throat so the flavor never goes away.  I’ve had two pieces of Dentyne Ice Artic and I can still taste them.
Still, nobody died.
Well, at least not yet.
No individuals were permanently injured during this taste test.
No individuals were permanently injured during this taste test.

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