Snake Bit


As a dad it is upon me to be a good example to my child, to tech her right from wrong and raise her to be a good little citizen. That’s my job as a parent and I take it semi-seriously.

Case in point:

This past Sunday, we found a garter snake stuck in one of the glue traps we have in the basement for bugs. He was a little guy, just under a foot long and seriously stuck in the trap.

My wife wanted him killed on sight.

My daughter wanted to set him free.

And so it fell upon me to decide the little guy’s fate, which I did by taking the trap outside and leaving it in the garden, thinking that Señor Hiss would die of exposure or work himself free. Either way, the decision was out of my hands and left to the gods.

A decision the gods promptly volleyed back into my court.

Three days later and the snake was still alive and still trapped.

So, last night, I’m outside with the glue trap and the stuck snake. He was in pretty bad shape. His lower jaw was seriously askew, his tail was wrapped around and glued to his head, and it looked like he’d been deflated.

It was sad.

I felt bad.

And so I decided to be a hero.

Man, I was good. So good! I got out a stick and a knife and started to cut/pry the snake loose. I got his tail free and most of his back half. I was doing great. I was a role model. Even when the creepy little bugger tried to bite me, I kept on working to cut him loose. With the whole sanctity of life riff going on- even for the icky things, like snakes- I was like Buddha, man!

No…I WAS Buddha!!

It was awesome and so was I! I was the GREATEST DAD IN THE WORLD! I was going to take the time and the effort to free a stupid garter snake. I was going to teach my daughter just how precious life was!

Take that, suckwads!!

And then, as I was comin’ down the home stretch- when I knew that I was THE MAN, that I’d done my part to make the world a better place…

-Shhhhrrriiiipop –

…the little fucker ripped in half.

I felt about 6 inches tall.

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