LOST Notes, Season 5, Episode 6: 316

A review of the past week’s episode of LOST from a frustratedly loyal (and loyally frustrated) fan. This week: Sadly, there’s no guy with a rainbow wig in 316, but there IS plot development!

Jack Shephard: The other people on this plane, what’s going to happen to them?
Benjamin Linus: Who cares?

LOST, Season 5, Episode 6
316

I. WE HAVE TO GO BA- Oh, We Are Going Back. Um, Carry On, Then.

A. Here’s a brief summary of the information dump Ms. Hawking took on everyone’s head in the underground station: “Sciencesciencescience MAGIC, science?” What part of the chalkboard contains the equation for “the Island’s not done with you” or “give the dead guy your dad’s shoes”?

B. I’m no underground physicist, but what little I understand of gravity tells me this much: if I stick a piece of chalk on a pendulum and swing it over a map, it’s going to draw a line in the center of the map (the lowest point). Sure, it adds to the intimidation factor when I eventually have to confuse a bunch of people into buying my plan, but it doesn’t show anyone how I found the place to begin with. I could make the pendulum point to Cedar Rapids for all anyone knows, as long as there’s a giant asterisk getting scratched out on the floor when I start bullshitting.

C. So Ma Faraday spent all this time doing long division to figure out what airplane they needed to take? Did Ben not have the patience to show her how Travelocity works? I know it’s tough teaching old people to use computers, but this seriously could have saved them years.

D. Jack is just really bad at drawing the line. You say there’s a rapidly-closing window in time and space somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, and the only way I can find the Island that vanished before my eyes is by gathering up my fellow escapees and duplicating the original crash so we can re-crash somewhere in the fabric of time? Tally-ho, see you at the airport! Wait, what’s that? I have to use this dead guy with whom I disagreed philosophically as a proxy for the father with whom I disagreed philosophically? Well in that case FUCK THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT I HATE YOU I HATE EVERYTHING.

E. It’s nice that Ben had time to catch up on The West Wing during his three years off the Island, because he was awfully swift with that Doubting Thomas aside. “Here, Jack, instead of an answer to your question, have a seemingly-unrelated story that will eventually serve as an enlightening metaphor in the near future. Coincidentally, have you heard that Locke is Jesus? I wasn’t sure if we covered that yet.”

F. Once again, Jack’s impeccable bedside manner is in full force when he goes to see Ray. “Hey Grandpa Plot Device, quit running away from the home we put you in even though you look like a 62-year-old former athlete and should probably be living on a golf course somewhere that’s not within driving distance of L.A. Anyway, I’m going on a trip ‘cause I need more freedom. Toodles.”

G. The Island’s draw to the Shephard bloodline must be because they are so mysterious…ly indefensible in their actions and decisions. Jack’s mom, Ray’s daughter-in-law, packs him up a box of Christian’s stuff and decides to include dress shoes? Dress shoes that he “somehow” mixes in with his fugitive bag? Dress shoes that apparently carry no personal meaning to him since he re-gifts them to Jack with minimal prompting? Who understands this family? The Shephard family reunion must be a soul-destroying casserole of empty tumblers, untrimmed hair and poorly-knotted ties. Wait a second, is Daniel Faraday related to Jack!?

H. I don’t want to tell Doc S. how to live his life (disregarding everything I’ve ever said about him until now, of course), but when you come home and your ex-girlfriend is asleep on your bed and says “my son is gone, never speak of him again,” and then attempts to bang you, there’s more to this than just changing your Facebook status to “It’s Complicated”. You should give pause before proceeding with said banging. At the very least, maybe make an anonymous call to the cops re: potential dumpster babies in a five-mile radius. But hey, who gives a shit, right? Not like you’re related to him.

I. Gambling odds for what Kate did with the little scamp:

1. Crashed car with Aaron inside; opted to run away when she heard sirens – 4/1
2. Returned him to Claire’s mother, drugging them both for good measure – 3/2
3. Said something like “just play with your toys, honey” when he asked what was wrong, then stared at herself in the bathroom mirror for 10 seconds or so, tried to make herself cry and then realized she couldn’t because she wasn’t really human, figured that the strange choke-cough sound she was making could pass for crying, then turned the stove on and walked out – 1/3

J. Assuming that Ben’s “promise to an old friend” meant trying to kill Penny per his threat to Chuckie Dubs, why does he choose that when it comes to being a man of his word. He’s a compulsive liar about nearly everything else – he lies bold-faced to Jack on the plane just to be smarmy (unless your momma taught you to read after you made her uterus essplode, son, you could have found more truthful sarcastic jabs). But the threat to Widmore is a loose end? You can’t just rub it in his face that you’re getting back on the Island and he isn’t? Who is going to call you out on that one?

K. Did Kate and Sun coordinate their child-abandoning or are they each neglectful mothers independently? We all remember that pre-crayons-and-french-fries Aaron and pre-personal-celly Ji Yeon escaped the Island, too, right? Is this setting up a kid-focused spinoff series where those two and Walt try to return to the Island and/or convince everyone else that they are important parts of the overall story? When can I catch LOST: The Kids Table on ABC Family?

L. In roughly a day and a half, Sayid shaved his goatee, started dressing like either a Danielle Steele cover model or a bisexual porn star, and got himself deported to Guam. Either he has the most exciting flashback episode ever in his future or he got arrested for trying to make a movie about that Sanjaya kid from American Idol. With good reason, I might add.

M. It’s nice of everyone (including the marshal escorting Sayid) to spring for the business class seats. On one hand, it’s theoretically one of the last flights you’ll ever be taking. On the other hand, you know how it’s going to end, so do you really want to be paying full price?

N. If Kate and Sun coordinated their child-deserting, surely Sayid and Lapidus coordinated their goatee-shaving. There’s no question which loss is more devastating; they both look ridiculous without facial hair. At least Kate and Sun were still bad/stupid people with or without kids in their lives. Thank God we’re hitting a razor-free zone on the Island…although it wouldn’t have hurt Hurley to join the Bic club prior to takeoff.

O. Three years of internal torture after leaving the Island, after finally being convinced of what Locke was telling him, after turning to Ben, of all people, to get him back, and Jack is still taking these “told you so” jabs from Locke like knockout blows. Maybe it was the suicide that hit him so hard, but what did you expect? The man lived a shitty life and had a whole new purpose on the Island, then your stupid “I want my shitty life back” ass had to leave, so he gives up everything he wanted to come do the same thing on the mainland that he spent three months doing with you on the Island. Why wouldn’t he want to hang himself? It’s like being kicked out of Shawshank prison.