A review of the past week’s episode of LOST from a frustratedly loyal (and loyally frustrated) fan. This week: In-jokes, awkward pauses and plot development abound as Sawyer & co. get stuck in the Wayback Machine
Miles Straume: We don’t get involved, right? That’s what you said?
Daniel Faraday: It doesn’t matter what we do. Whatever happened, happened.
James “Sawyer” Ford: Yeah, thanks anyway, Plato.
LOST, Season 5, Episode 8
I. Stuck In The 70s, Like Life On Mars, But With Actual Viewers
A. I know it’s hard to keep track of three-years-and-two-Hooked-on-Phonics-courses-later fluent-speaking Jin and three-years-ago-articles-and-radio-towers-confuse-me Jin, but you can’t sell me on him knowing the phrase “What makes you say that?” in his broken English phase. I have a hard time believing he came across that sentence enough times in his Island life to understand circular speak when he could have gone with “Why?” or “Why’s that?” if he’s feeling randy. Clearly what we’re not seeing is that Jin got most of his English lessons from John “where would in that the fun be there in?” Locke.
B. So the big-ass statue (probably Anubis, god of the dead, patron saint of “this place is death”) looks pretty damn Egyptian, barring the fact that it’s not pyramid-shaped. Between that and the heiroglyphics and Richard’s eyeliner (omg inside joke!), we’re one Kurt Russell – or in a budget crunch, one Richard Dean Anderson – away from finding a giant stone ring that teleports people to North Africa or some shit.
C. I’m not sure if I understand the need for fake names in the mid-70s. Apparently there is a concern that one of these drugged up social outcasts scientists will suddenly go “Wait a minute, I know a six-year-old named James Ford! Let’s lynch these pricks!” In fact, the only person with the prior knowledge and wisdom to have the Keyser Soze moment with your true identities is Alpert, and you up and told him the whole story. Sawyer “improvised” under pressure because all he knows how to do is live under fake names, and he was just sick of people calling him “James.”
D. The subtitle of the episode should be “No, Seriously, Juliet Is A Viable Love Interest”. She stands by her (eventual) man in the face of suspect decisions, she’s a crack shot with a rifle, she fixes cars, she delivers babies, she gets home in time to make a three-course meal and she’ll still be the odd woman out when Kate gets back in town because she wasn’t so much the soul mate as the best available option in 1974. I’m sure she’ll be emotionally wrecked when this goes down; we’ll be able to tell because she’ll be crying when she makes the usual Juliet face.
E. The upside to the picnic lunch outside the Dharma compound is that you don’t have to worry about the guys in the Pearl watching you share that potato salad. The upside to finding a patch of grass amongst the numerous patches of grass within the bounds of the sound-fence is that YOU DON’T GET JUMPED BY THE PEOPLE YOU ARE AT WAR WITH. Pretty much everything you do on the Island involves being outside. Eat your turkey sandwich at the kitchen table.
F. Everyone remembers that Jin survived blowing up and then spent a couple of days floating at sea, right? He’s the most qualified to carry the dead body back to camp? Can the poor guy get a nap or a PowerBar first?
G. Perfect wife as she apparently may be, Juliet struck out three times over on the ol’ sound-fence. First, she didn’t really seem prepared for it until Daniel was about to walk right into it – which, by the way, would have been a poor plan on Amy’s part because the other four of them might have noticed Faraday crumpling to the ground and saying “oh God my ears” or whatnot. Then she didn’t bother to look over the girl’s shoulder to see if she was actually turning the fence off (granted, the password could have changed). Finally, this woman was an Other! She had a nebulous romantic entanglement with Ben! How is she not able to sense a double-cross coming by now? All she did for the third season was flip-flop! You shouldn’t be able to double-cross the double-crosser. That’s like, I don’t know, someone conning Sawyer into loving them for 2-3 years.
H. Maybe Sawyer was right about the Island’s history not yet preventing births, or maybe it was just that Juliet had only been trying to deliver babies to the Others, not to regular people. Maybe their steady diet of berries and nuts led to the development of Exploding Uterus Syndrome, not anything vaguely mystical. Who are we kidding? It’s always something vaguely mystical. Maybe that’s why no one is born on time in this show ever.
I. If I’m a Dharmacist (like, say, the wet noodle with the bushy eyebrows) and I didn’t start asking questions when the random salvage-ship captain talked the creepy Other overlord down from the brink of war while sitting next to him on a park bench, and I DIDN’T start asking questions when the new 78-pound construction guy kept leering at the little redheaded girl, and I DIDN’T ask questions when the two Asian guys joined my security staff, then I sure as hell would start asking questions when Rosie the Riveter struts into the E.R. and delivers the first baby we’ve ever had on the compound.
J. I’m sure Juliet found other reasons to stick around once Sawyer started giving her “the long con” (if you know what I mean*), but since the whole point of them not taking the sub back to Tahiti and starting, say, a sports betting service was because they were waiting for the rest of the group (and proceeded to wait for three years), why would Sawyer not share this intel with Juliet when they get back? So what if he’s eventually going to abandon her for another shot at the troubled and benefit-free brunette who will do everything short of tearing his heart from his chest (and that’s still a possibility itself)? She used to have a thing for Jack, so those two kids will land on their feet. You’ve got four people in camp who will help you lie about how you found three random-ass people in the jungle. You kinda need them all on board for this.
K. You could tell from that first look that things were going to get tense. I mean, Hurley’s going to want to move back in with Sawyer, right? You can’t deny those bromantic intertwinings. Clearly Juliet is going to have to go.
L. Now that it’s suddenly three years later and everybody is back together again, are we just ignoring the redshirt castaways who vanished into thin air after the Flaming Frogurt incident? Are Bernard and Rose stuck in time, too? Or are they still jumping? Could we possibly see a spinoff series – ROSE AND BERNARD LOST IN TIME, with ‘Nards playing the Sherman to his woman’s Mr. Peabody as they quantum leap into various historical periods and have to solve a mystery in 22 minutes or less? More importantly, why hasn’t this already happened? Why am I not watching this show right now?
* – I mean penis.