LOST Notes, Season 5, Episode 11: Whatever Happened, Happened

A review of the past week’s episode of LOST from a frustratedly loyal (and loyally frustrated) fan. This week: The group has a hard time coming to terms with the fact that “Whatever Happened, Happened”.

Roger Linus: LaFleur asked me where my keys were. That bastard doesn’t ask any questions he doesn’t already know the answers to.

LOST, Season 5, Episode 11
Whatever Happened, Happened

I. In Which Kate Learns That The Movie “Parenthood” Is Not A Training Video

A. If his latest turn as LaFleur doesn’t give you enough respect for Sawyer (his hangup on fake names notwithstanding), pause for a moment to admire the balls on the man.
1. The last thing he says to the girl he may or may not love before jumping out of a helicopter, presumably to never see her again, was “Can you be a doll and catch me up on child support?”
2. He did this knowing full well (even in the heat of the moment) that it would put two former recipients of “The Long Con”* in the same room thousands of miles away from him, thereby keeping him free from any “James Ford Must Die”-style revenge schemes.

B. What good is The Lie when you can’t keep it up in the easiest of circumstances? No, you’re right, I’m sure the former small-time crook and now lonely single mother with a SoCal mortgage is trustworthy. Hey, maybe you should go have a couple drinks with those reporters from Star Magazine. They say everything is off the record…

C. Maybe Cassidy’s right and the whole reason you adopted a random baby as your own (since it clearly wasn’t anything related to perpetuating The Lie) was because some dude you might have loved or might have just slept with jerked you around a bit. You were totally the victim in that relationship. Besides, you just want to give this baby all the love and affection that your own mother…oh wait.

D. It’s actually a little reassuring to know that Kate thinks she’s as pathetic a mother as I do.

E. I guess I should be surprised and/or impressed that it took three years for Kate to have a maternal meltdown. She loses her kid, tries to order a three-county quarantine and then decides in about three hours that she’s gotta get the hell out of there. So it took her three years to stop trying to be a mom and start behaving like herself again.

F. Then, she panics over losing the kid (for about 45 seconds) in a grocery store, so she tucks him into a motel bed, knocks on a stranger’s door and pretty much leaves the kid there. Hopefully, if 28-year-old Aaron isn’t in therapy (or, you know, the Antichrist or something), he’ll be able to look back and think about the bullet he dodged getting Mrs. Littleton as a mother. And think, this is a woman who slept with a tourist and was cool letting her pregnant daughter live single when the baby daddy split, and she is the PREFERABLE option.

II. The Age Of Innocence, Which Is Approximately Thirteen

A. Horace pretty much takes Jack to school on being a leader when he throws down the details of his decisions at even the slightest question of his judgement. Personally, I’d feel a lot more confident in a guy whose hands weren’t superglued into the pockets of his jumpsuit, but if his weakness is a lack of animated hand gestures instead of a stubborn need to withhold secrets from your people, it’s a decent trade.

B. Every time Kate shakes someone’s hand, she gets a look in her eye that says “What can I accomplish by sleeping with this person?”

C. I hope I’m not supposed to sympathize with Uncle Rico just because he got a little nice before and after his boy got shot up. Every bully starts falling all over themselves when they want to impress a pretty girl. The guy’s still not a suitable parent (funny how he was attracted to Kate…), he just doesn’t want to enjoy his nightly 24-pack alone.

D. Sad to say that I actually enjoy Emo Jack. Yesterday he was sitting at the lunch tablesharing gossip about who’s hooking up with who and generally being cool with not calling the shots. Now Kate pseudo-flirts with another janitor and he pitches a bitch fit. At least he’s being forthcoming about it and not just staring at the wall/jungle looking for the words.

E. If there’s a fight between Kate and Jack, which side to choose? That’s a far more difficult decision than Ben vs. Widmore. Jack’s gotta be in the lead right now after calling Kate out on never really liking him (nice job, Medium. Hey, do the Red Sox win the pennant?), which directly calls back to her saying “I was always with you” back on the boat (which was short for, “I was always with you but I’m totally going to default on this big lie with the first chick I meet”).

F. Really, Hurley and Miles were the best available choices to explain the nebulous rules of LOSTime and LOSTspace? Could there be a less coherent pairing? Were Vincent and the backward-talking ghost of Walt not available?

G. Where is Hurley when the decision to ship Ben to the Others came up? By now, nearly every one of Hurley’s lines is “Man, this fucking show is craaaaaaaazy, am I right?!” As the voice of the audience/de facto voice of straightforward logic, shouldn’t he have been around to throw up the red flag about delivering Ben to the people whom he would eventually lead? Does no one else (Juliet! For shame!) have that intuition?

H. Sawyer and Kate are given countless opportunities to reconsider their choice of saving Ben, not the least of which comes when Richard says that he will lose his innocence. Every sane person (Sayid, Emo Jack) acknowledges that the lack of innocence in Adult Ben is the reason he should die as a kid! If saving him takes away his innocence, then the whole bullshit about a kid not having to die is pretty much moot, right?

I. Wait, so Ben loses his innocence in the temple? Is The Smoke Monster a metaphor for puberty?

* – Again, meaning penis.

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