Glenn Beck is the antichrist.
Let me back up a second.
Fox News is a strange animal. Their evening news program with Shepard Smith tends to be pretty ‘fair and balanced’. Like, for real and not code for ‘toxic, right wing, conspiratorial bullshit’. If they’d reign in their reporters and producers a little bit more, they’d be really good. Are you listening, guys?
Beyond the news, however, ‘fair and balanced’ is anything but. While not completely hate filled, most of this programming leans hard right and has, at times, had me wondering if we didn’t switch places with Cuba or Sweden while I was sleeping.
I’m not a fan of biased media, right or left. They don’t speak to me. They’re annoying, vitriolic noisemakers, preaching to their respective choirs. They’re snarky. They bully and shout at their opponents. They host interview segments with like-minded individuals and ask them leading questions like ‘Is it me, or do the -xxxxx- all have syphilis?’
Thanks for raising the level of discourse, fellas. It’s no wonder we’re now one nation, fucked by God.
And that brings me back to the antichrist, Glenn Beck.
Glenn is a douche. I watched him a couple of times on CNN and kept asking myself, ‘Self, why isn’t this guy on Fox?’ He was excitable, emotional and a total whack-job living in a world of boogeymen. He was also transparent, ill-informed, and trying way too hard to make the Big Point, you know, the one that would score him a book deal or a pithy t-shirt slogan.
Or a move to Fox.
So, I’m cruising the channels one afternoon, and I come across Beck, in full melt-down, crying about his love for America. Being me, I hang around waiting for someone to cut in and explain that this was Glenn’s last program, taped shortly before his assistant found him in his dressing room, handgun in his lap, surrounded by his brains. Sadly, this was real. Glenn was announcing his 9-12 Project and crying his way through a poorly scripted diatribe about ‘us’ and ‘them’ and his love for America. Seriously, I really thought he had killed himself and this was his obituary.
If you’re not familiar with the 9-12 Project, don’t bother. It’s crap. A transparent grab for attention and bigger stage than Glenn deserves. To summarize, Beck’s project is all about nine principals and 12 values that will bring ‘us all back to the place we were on September 12, 2001’ when we were standing ‘together to protect the values and principals of the greatest nation ever created.’
Needless to say, I have some issues with Douche Beck’s ‘Project’
Issue number one: 9 Principals + 12 Values = Blackjack!!
First of all, if you’ve ever read any kind of management book written in the wake of ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ then you should realize, unless you’re a complete fuckwad, that EVERY management book written in the wake of ‘7 Habits’ has, at its core, x-number of steps (usually between 3-7) to success. The only exception being ‘Who Moved My Cheese’ and that was written for children and retards. Each step is usually broken down into a number of goals, paths, principals, guides, roadsigns or whatever the metaphor is the author is trying to peddle. Throw in a bit of proprietary jargon and you’ve got a motivational speaking tour and your turn as the flavor of the day.
I’ve worked with motivational junkies. They bounce from plan to plan, step to step with total abandon. If one program fails there is always another to buy into. The guys who make these things up make a lot of money. But at their core, there all the same. Horseshit. They’re modern day snake oil salesmen, promising everything and delivering nothing. Glenn’s plan is no different.
Had this 9-12 thing been put together by Mrs. Wickham’s fourth grade class as Middlebury prep, I’d be a lot more forgiving. It is that juvenile. But it wasn’t created by children, it was made up by an adult or adults and it is simply THAT transparent. Personally, I think Glenn locked himself in a room with a bunch of spray paint and a notepad. He huffed a little, scribbled a little, freaked out, passed out, woke up, threw up and then ultimately declared himself our savior. At this point in my ‘scenario’, Glenn is usually stripped down to his boxers, covered in about 10 colors of paint and licking the spray nozzle for one last hit while screaming ‘By the power of Krylon!!’
Not a pretty picture is it.
Issue number 2: Huffing can cause memory loss
In 2001 I was 33 years old and contributing member to society. I say this so you know that I am not so addle-pated that I do not remember 9-11 and, by extension, 9-12. I can say, with some conviction, that we, the American people were NOT standing together to defend anything. To be perfectly honest, we were shell-shocked and mind-fucked and had no clue as to what to do next. If we came together at all, it was in abject, uncomprehending fear. How did this happen? Will it happen again? If Starbuck’s stops making coffee, does it mean the terrorists have won?
9-12 was about the unraveling of a nation. We fucking caved in to fear.
It’ll be several more days before planes start flying again (which they still haven’t figured out how to make safe), a month before we go out and kill us some ragheads in retaliation, and years before Dick Cheney sees the light of day. Our government will pass the Patriot Act, allow warrantless wire-tapping and domestic spying, start an unnecessary war in Iraq and do whatever it wants with our civil liberties, all in the name of, get this, freedom.
Are ‘intimidation’ and ‘revenge’ part of the values or the principals?
Glenn, you jackoff, you don’t want to go back to a better America, you want to go back to one where your point of view was the prevailing point of view (like 11-3 maybe?). Where people didn’t disagree so eloquently and vehemently that you couldn’t dismiss them, or cower them into submission with threats of being unpatriotic.
Life wasn’t better on 9-12 or in its aftermath. America wasn’t better. How dare you presume to rewrite a history that I fucking lived.
Issue 3: Maybe the brain damage IS permanent
While Americans can turn anything into a chance to make a buck, should they?
I can’t seem to recall ever seeing a bunch of ‘I survived the Holocaust’ t-shirt around the synagogue near my house. Likewise, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the limited edition ‘Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em’ Napalm Charlie action figures either. My point here being that there are some thing you DON’T commercialize, like say, the deadliest terrorist attack ever to occur on our home turf.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who was absolutely disgusted by the people actively promoting ‘patriotic’ products like flags and magnetic ribbons in the days following the attacks. I bet 9-12 was a boon for flagmakers and that they’d sure like to see a return to that most magical of times, especially now with the recession and all. Worse than them, however, were the people selling genuine gold coins, minted from the gold recovered from the rubble of the Twin Towers. That’s fucking ghoulish and I hope all those people enjoy their stays in Hell.
Well, guess what, Glenn. You’re no better than those assholes. That’s right, you’re not trying to turn 9-12 into a positive, you’re trying to turn it into a paycheck. That’s soulless.
How do you justify this behavior, douchbag?
Oh yeah, by being a douchebag.
The whole 9-12 Project is hypocritical, callow exploitation, pure and simple, and could have only been dreamed up by the Antichrist.
Or a brain dead paint huffer. I still haven’t decided.
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PS: Also worth noting is that it is now eight years later and we still haven’t found the Head Raghead in Charge. See if you can’t work ‘Follow Through’ into the Project, fucker.
(Okay, so that last bit comes off a little racist. Maybe I need a 9-12 step program of my own.)