Desmond Hume: Nice to meet you, Jack…or to see you again.
This time: They get off the Island, but they also don’t get off the Island, Juliet dies (again!), a bunch of other dead people make cameos and even the all-knowing-all-seeing-dead-guy-of-the-universe can’t share a little info when things get heavy.
I. In Which Jack Is More Outwardly Wrong (2007)
A. Finally they were able to answer some of my burning questions! How much longer can they put off revealing clues to previous mysteries? (A little while longer!) Is the story structure going to remain mostly the same with multiple different timelines elapsing at once to keep me from really understanding the progression of the story (Of course!) Will they introduce me to yet ANOTHER mysterious group of strangers with history on the Island? (YES!) How low is the CGI budget for this giant premiere event? (Pretty low, actually, you’d be surprised!)
B. If they continue with this parallel-realities storytelling for most of the season, I hope they take time to acknowledge that both universes involve atom bombs doing things that atom bombs don’t actually do. I’m pretty sure that they don’t knock you ahead in time 25 years and erase whatever went down beforehand so you don’t remember (although Jack seemed pretty certain of that and Jack is SO right ALL THE TIME, so…) but I’m even MORE sure that they don’t just knock you back 10-15 feet and make your ears ring for a minute or two. Oh, and deposit you 30 years in the future.
C. I didn’t challenge the Time Bomb logic last season because Jack was leading the charge and, therefore, I was 80% certain it wouldn’t work. But now I hope the reanimated corpse of Daniel Faraday shows up on an Orientation video somewhere to show us some scribbles in a composition book and do his best Doc Brown to explain why nuclear technology + electromagnetic energy = timef*ck.
D. Maybe I can register for Jin’s upcoming adult education class, Time Travel For ESL Students. The guy understands the space-time continuum but still can’t get a full grasp on articles and prepositions.
E. If they’re in the future, the hatch explosion should have caused everything (the hatch door, Desmond’s clothes, Desmond) to be thrown FROM the scene of the blast, so why the f is there still a bunch of scrap metal burying Juliet? And if the metal came from the past, wouldn’t the Time Bomb have a similar effect? Does all the stuff Juliet touched also travel through time with her? The Dharma van Hurley was leaning against somehow made it 30 years, but all those steel girders?
F. It was great to see Hurley get fierce with Jack re: taking Sayid to the temple, but he seemed awfully nonchalant about waiting for 20 minutes or to drop that bomb. I didn’t see the Ghost Of Island Jesus walking out of the jungle and telling anyone to take Juliet to the temple, right? Plus they didn’t even USE the van to get Sayid there, so they could have split up into two groups a lot earlier and maybe Miles would have time to communicate with dead Juliet when she wasn’t covered by a few feet of dirt.
G. So Team Jacob did enough research to identify Locke’s dead body, to know the secret Latin pass-phrase, to carry little Ziploc bags of magic no-smoke dust with them at all times, but not enough to know that BULLETS WON’T KILL HIM? He’s a man made of smoke monster or some sh*t, clearly firearms aren’t the way to go.
H. I know you’re vaguely emo about being stabbed to death by the middle child you neglected, but hey, you’re omniscient and it seems like you kinda knew it was coming, as you have known literally everything was coming since you started this whole adventure back on the beach in 1600-whatever. So you know (YOU KNOW) that everything (EVERYTHING) doesn’t so much happen for a reason as it happens because PEOPLE DON’T TALK TO EACH OTHER. But when Hurley, who barely retains the things that HE HIMSELF says, asks for a little clarification, you just stare off and bite your thumbnail (hint: it’s not gonna grow back). Everyone would be much better at helping you if they weren’t constantly being shocked out of their balls by some new previously-unrevealed piece of information! I’m totally not projecting here. Definitely just referring to Hurley.
I. I’m so happy that they went back to the table with Elizabeth Mitchell’s people so we could re-kill a character whom we were pretty sure was dead at the end of last season. “Oh, we thought Juliet needed to die with more EXPOSITION.” I don’t want to see her talk! I don’t want to see her walk, smile, think, cry, bake, fix a car or breathe, either! I want to see her plunge to an electromagnetic grave, and you let me relive that moment about seven times in fifteen minutes, then you pull the double-secret-reverse, bring her back and kill her again.
J. Besides, you can revive and murder Juliet in perpetuity, and Sawyer can blubber like his daddy just committed murder-suicide and completely undo five years or so of shirtless manliness, but you’re never going to convince me that Sawyer didn’t settle. Juliet got to see his long con because she was the only girl in the 70s who wouldn’t call him “LaFleur.” He didn’t love her anymore than he loves Mr. Pibb when he finds out a restaurant doesn’t carry Dr. Pepper. You take what’s available.
II. In Which Jack Is Still Wrong, But It Might Take Him Longer To Realize It (2002)
A. Flocke pretty much covered this part, but the moral of the story is “Don’t look a gift-mysteriousIsland in the mouth, because your ordinary life is sh*tty and any chance you have to not be a meaningless waste of oxygen should be embraced, Jack, you stupid dick, good luck finding your dad’s corpse somewhere over the Pacific.” I believe that was Aesop.
B. The biggest clue that this crazy Ultimate LOST world is screwed up wasn’t Desmond being on the plane. It was Desmond 2.0 IN A SUIT ON A PLANE. Look who’s drinking $120 glasses of scotch now, brotha!
C. If anyone lost the most in the new crash-less world, it’s Sawyer 2.0, who went from “tortured loner with a bad haircut on a quest for redemption” to “leering Southerner trying to pretend he has a bad haircut who has trouble hiding the fact that he’s thinking about sex all the time.”
D. Special props to Hurley 2.0, who really sold out for his backstory. He knew that a successful Hugo would sample a LOT of Mr. Cluck’s Chicken, so he put on an extra 30 pounds or so just for the craft. That’s commitment.
E. On the other end, Charlie 2.0 looks like he just took a cab over from the Fast Forward set and shot his scenes on a lunch break. Even he knows they should have just let him stay dead. I wish someone gave Jack a pen so he could have stabbed the guy in the throat, but for reals this time.
Up Next: LA X, Part 2: Indiana Jack & The Temple Of WTF…
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Awesome. We finally watched the premiere last night. Uh, WTF?