LOST Notes: LA X, Part 2 – Indiana Jack & The Temple Of WTF?

Ben, for the last time, I'm not going to call you 'The Bandit'.

Jack Shephard: Nothing is irreversible. 

 This time: Sayid has died, Sayid is risen, Sayid will come again.  Also, no matter the universe, reality or timeline, Kate sucks.  And hey, Other Others!

I. Rock Me, Iraqi Jesus

A. Pretty sure dead Juliet and nearly-dead Juliet needed to get on the same page.  Nearly dead – “it didn’t work.”  Dead – “it worked.”  Either she grossly misunderstood the concept of heaven (and I grossly misunderstood the standards of getting into heaven) or Miles’ special ability takes another step back.  He can’t initiate a conversation with the dead (or the living, really), he rarely understands what they mean and when he does, it’s never constructive to their situation.  That’s kinda like having the ability you fly but only for 20 yards or so at a time and only if you strip naked first.  It’s still kinda cool that you can do it, but it’s really not worth the hassle anymore. 

B. For the amount of secret societies taking up space on the Island, you would think the original castaways wouldn’t be so surprised to find new ones.  “Who the hell are these people?” “Oh, this is just Dale, we go to the same laundromat, he’s cool.”  Still, I’m assuming the temple Others are some sort of elite squad because a) they all wear red, a step up from the strictly-earth-tones dress code in the Richard/Ben/Locke/Flocke crew and b) they are led by a Japanese Colonel Kurtz and his trusty sidekick, Spectacles, who looks like Sherman from Rocky & Bullwinkle if he went to college and expanded his horizons. 

C. Congrats to Cindy the Flight Attendant, who seems to be the only castaway with some upward mobility.  She (along with the kids) is the only person from the plane who gets assimilated into the Others, and now she got promoted to Red Temple Squad.  Granted, she’s the only female Other whose face we’ve seen that hasn’t been shot or dropped down an electromagnetic well and she’s stuck playing nanny to a couple of brats, but let’s not worry about gender roles.  The game is survival, and f*ck if Cindy isn’t winning.

D. Jacob, I’m failing to see the “progress” in you predicting Sayid’s death at the temple via the Trojan Ankh.  That kinda means you knew everything from Hurley getting on Ajira through Dharma time through the atom bomb reboot was going to happen well in advance, which puts you further ahead than the people actually writing the show.  Suddenly the “everything’s going to be fine” mantra of Team Jacob isn’t holding as much water.  Coupled with the fact that I’ve subconsciously identified with Team Not-Jacob’s platform (“everyone is stupid and should die”) since I started doing LOST Notes, I think I know where my allegiances lie.  P.S.: Ugh, you and your stupid lists.

E. Red Temple Squad did a real bang-up job playing their part in destiny.  First they identify that they can’t let Sayid die, then they go ahead and kill him. Let’s say I take a friend to the doctor, and the doctor is like “you have brain cancer, but I can cure you by shooting you in the head with this gun,” and before we can ask how that’s going to help, he pulls the trigger.  Then he’s like “I’m sorry, your friend’s been shot.”  That’s what happened to Sayid.  I know he’s dead, Spectacles!  I just watched you kill him!  He was pretty much dead when we brought him in here, so all you did is make him dead and wet.  I want my co-pay back.

Sayid as Iraqi Jesus
Nope, no underlying imagery here. Totally normal scene.

F. Then again, Jack pretty much signed Sayid up to get murdered without any explanation of the “risks” involved (risk #1: DROWNING) after he watched Kurtz-san stick his bloody hand in the water.  Hey Doc, maybe the water isn’t clear because it’s full of blood-borne diseases, eh?  Worth asking the question, right?  Or do we just assume that, because this Island cures cancer and paralysis, that hepatitis isn’t a threat? 

G. Also, in the spirit of his previous life as Iraq Bauer, Republican Guard soldier and assassin for hire, if Sayid can’t fight off three guys while unconscious and underwater then maybe he deserves to die.

H.  I am curious how many times it will take Kate before she stops telling Jack someone isn’t “coming back.”  Uh, they’re doing a pretty good job of f*cking coming back.  Like every time.  Even if it’s not really Sayid and Jacob sent him to the temple so he could Flocke his body (sorry, I know that sounds gross), it’s still getting to the point where Kate should just let Jack do CPR and stop being a bitch about it.   

What do you mean there's already two Asian guys on the show?!

I. Kurtz-san’s “I don’t like the way English tastes on my lips” might be the most pretentious thing anyone’s ever said on the show.  Even Ben (Vintage Ben, not Smokey-whipped Ben) would be like “douchechillllll.”  Do you think he dropped that gem in his campaign to be Temple President?  Maybe he was just the only guy willing to cut his hand every time they get a visitor.  And what does that say about Spectacles McGee?  He’s a one-way translator.  He does this thing that Kurtz-san thinks he’s too good to do himself.  In other words, he’s a butler.

 J. If Red Temple Squad thinks the pixie dust and extra logs are going to keep “him” out, they may want to double check their basement, since the Locke-Less Monster has been living in a cozy garden-level space there for a few years now.  Also, considering their ‘sophisticated’ defense and warning system (In Case Of Jacob’s Death, Light Fireworks), you would think they could get a better handle on WHEN he dies, instead of waiting for some newbie to wander out of the jungle and drop it in casual conversation.  Hurley seems to be the only guy who’s spoken to Jacob and he’s already wearing red; Temple Decision ’08 can’t get here fast enough.  Cluck the vote!

K. I’m glad Sawyer didn’t kill Jack, because this new thing Jack does where he sits by himself and pretends like he doesn’t notice that everyone else in the room is staring daggers at him is PURE GOLD.

L. The Others’ organizational chart must be a thing of beauty.  Every time we meet someone new (Tom, Ben, Klugh, Richard, probably Kurtz-san and Spectacles), we find out later that they are just middle management.  Alpert of the Undead spent 50-something years (probably more) being a cool customer, then the dead body of Locke shows up and he sh*ts his pants and gets knocked out as soon as he meets Flocke.  No one else around (Ben, Ilana) has the fortitude to stand up to the new guy once he pulls out his emotionally manipulative parent routine (“I’m very disappointed in all of you!” For what?  Listening to you and following you all the way across the Island?).

Someone just explained the sixth season premiere to him.

II. Kate Austen In The Terminal II: More Terminal…You Guys Get That We’re Trying To Use A Double Meaning That Second Time, Right?

A. If you’ve chased this girl around the globe, been given the slip plenty of times and eventually needed some luck to catch her and you’re NOT going to leave the stall door open when she goes to the bathroom (which, let’s be straight, isn’t like you), shouldn’t you at least keep the gun drawn or otherwise gird yourself against being jumped?  I can understand if you didn’t notice her lifting that pen off of Jack (because really, how was she going to know that a guy would be standing right outside the plane bathroom with jacket on and a pen in the inside pocket?), but you did notice that she didn’t have much to drink and that she has a history of beating the sh*t out of men who try to keep her from running.

Just wait until my new song "Oceanic Loses Corpses" becomes a YouTube sensation.

B. I am mildly convinced that this entire alternate reality/parallel universe scenario (or maybe the whole show) came up because one of the producers had a bad experience with airline.  Stick it, Big Airlines!  You guys…lose luggage!! Which may as well be, like, people!  Luggage is precious like a loved one and you lost it!  Also, apparently a year after a huge airport security crackdown, a fugitive can make it all the way out of a major airport just by not making eye contact with anyone.  We get it, LOST writers, you prefer taking trains.  Although she did get help from Sawyer a.k.a. Smirky Jones, who must seriously be picturing everyone naked in every scene.  Even I feel violated when he speaks his lines.

C. I take back what I said in part 1, though – Sawyer as pervert drifter is a shitty alternate reality, but Jin as loveless, impotent corporate drone is probably the worst.  Thanks to that bomb, Jin hasn’t been shot, hasn’t learned English, hasn’t been blown up, hasn’t grown his hair out, hasn’t regained the love of his worthless wife, hasn’t fathered a child thanks to his Island-healed plumbing, hasn’t traveled through time, etc. 

Kate & Sawyer
"Going down? On my penis? Because I want to have sex with you? And we haven't before? I don't mean to punctuate my sentences like questions but it's a side effect of having the side of my mouth upturned all the time?

D. It says a lot that my initial reaction to Sun 2.0 wasn’t “oh wow, she doesn’t speak English,” but rather “ugh, she’s trying to pretend that she doesn’t speak English because she’s stupid.”

E. Hey, do you mind if I ask what happened to your face?  I only wonder because I’m a plastic surgeon.  This is something surgeons (like myself) notice on people all the time.

Jack and Locke
No, I think Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded Me With Science" is MUCH better than George Michael's "Faith," why do you ask?

Next time: “What Kate Does”…I get the feeling that ‘being a f*cking idiot’ factors in somehow…

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