Hugo “Hurley” Reyes: Ok, but trying to get Jack to do something is, like, impossible.
This week: Ok, seriously, guys, quit winking at me and make with the plot development.
I. Wait, Jack’s Kid Is Also Kind Of An Aloof, Secretive Dick? You’re Kidding Me!
A. I am grossed out that the portal between these two dimensions seems to be through superficial wounds on Jack’s body. I’d also like to know how the sinking of the Island 25 years or so before he meets Jacob somehow leads to his appendix bursting 25 years or so earlier. Although I would have gone for a scene where seven-year-old Jack demands to have a mirror set up so he can direct his own appendectomy.
B. Jack’s mom must have known about Claire (or Christian’s mistress, at least) in advance. It took her an awfully long time to find the big enevelope marked “LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT” but about two seconds to comb through it and pull out Claire’s name.
C. Jack, if you were asking yourself where you went wrong as a father, it was in buying your son (or marrying, impregnating and then divorcing a woman who would buy your son) a personal answering machine. He’s training in classical piano and is reading Alice In Wonderland for funsies; I don’t think he’s getting many calls at the house.
D. I wanna know what the deal is with Los Angeles and why everyone loves it so much. With Ben and now Dogen, that’s two Island leader-types (middle management or otherwise) who are like, “well, if I can’t live on a magical Island hidden away from the world in the Pacific Ocean, I guess L.A. is my second choice. Everyone’s got a script to pitch, you know? Dogen must be going for those “crazy Japanese man lost in jungle” parts given his disinterest in grooming that facial hair.
II. Walk Through The Jungle Searching For Answers, Take 3,459
A. I like that Jack and Dogen have worked out some kind of peace agreement over the successful identification of a baseball. Ever since they had their “moment” two episodes ago (like the World Baseball Classic, but with people actually watching), they’re all buddy-buddy with the information-sharing. Except when Dogen tells Jack he won’t let him leave the Temple and then Jack leaves the Temple.
B. Hey, Hurley, I know you’re Gilligan-in-training with a Ph.D in Island Golf Course Architecture and Maintenance, but if you’re bored and need a simple game to pass the time, you can make a tic-tac-toe set out of leaves and sticks or you can DRAW A TIC-TAC-TOE BOARD ON THE GROUND with sticks. Keep the leaves out of it. Way to keep Miles active, though. I sure wish he had a valuable skill like speaking to the dead or something.
C. We’re going to jump ahead for a second so I can take an unprecedented (for LOST Notes, at least) stance: thank you, Jack, for breaking the magical, sure-to-be-answer-giving lighhouse glass in your trademark way (“grr, things I don’t understand!”), because fuck Jacob for trying to bring someone else to the Island. I’m sure it is Desmond or Charles Widmore or Ellie or Aaron or Walt or whoever, but forget it. Deal with the people ON the Island, Jacob. No more outsourcing of the mythology.
D. There’s no need for a “Previously On LOST…” segment when you have a scene with Sayid early in the episode. “Jack…allow me recap exactly what happened during our previous conversation two episodes ago, acknowledging that there have been no new developments in that span of time but making sure that you and anyone who may for some reason be watching our conversation remember exactly where you and I stand as characters.” Easy, champ: torturers are supposed to be all about inquisition, not exposition.
E. I know “you have what it takes” is a callback for Jack, but I’m pretty sure Jacob just asked Hurley to speak to Jack in generic motivational sayings. “Achieve your dreams, Jack!”
F. It’s been three years and all, but Claire knows she left Aaron in a bush in the jungle, right? Without dumpsters around, a jungle bush is the closest you can come to straight abandonment. Were you hoping the bush would babysit the kid when you ran off to the shack?
G. Very clever of them to put Kate on the hunt for Claire, which will not only keep her out of everyone else’s shit but it also dangles the possibility that she gets snared in a bear trap. But we all know Kate’s not going to die, because a) she’s not black; b) it would be too satisfying for everyone, and c) every main character who dies ends up going by surprise – surprise gunshot, surprise explosion, surprise getting sucked down an electromagnetic hole in the ground, etc. No one says they’re going to kill someone, then follows through.
H. Shannon’s plastic asthma inhaler has kept up awfully well sitting in the middle of a trail for what amounts to three-four years.
I. Ok, I guess you WEREN’T looking for a lighthouse, because there’s no particular reason one would be looking for a way to signal passing ships when you are crashed on an Island.
J. So far, The Black Locke is making a much better pitch for membership. Granted, he’s got a little So I Recruited An Axe Murderer thing going on with Claire in the mix, but so far he’s two-for-three, with Richard being the only person to turn him down. Meanwhile, Jacob pretends like he meant for everything that happened to happen and takes little digs at the few people who do believe him. “Hey, some people need to break shit and some people just blindly follow any instructions I give them, ain’t that right, Mr. Hikes-Through-The-Jungle?”
K. Oh, Jin, you’re letting me down. I spent the first two episodes (and the majority of the series) praising you for not being your lying, self-interested wifer, then a bear trap and an axing is all it takes to turn you spineless. You’ve been blown up! Twice!
L. All in all, this was a classic LOST episode – allude to some answers, ask more questions than you answer, but ultimately entertain people with a focus on characters. But ya’ll need to catch up on your old episodes and take some remedial Cliffhanger School. Oh, Black Locke is Claire’s friend? I’m stunned! I mean, the lack of available candidates and the forced mystery with which she delayed giving out the information made it completely obvious, but the added dramatic music means I never saw it coming! That ending was more telegraphed than my sarcastic response. Hey, if you guys are going to mail it in, so can I.