James “Sawyer” Ford: Trust me, God’s got nothing to do with it.
This week: No matter the decade, no matter the universe, no matter the reality, there is one constant: Sawyer been gettin’ ass, ya’ll.
I. The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Sawyer’s Neverending Sex Life
A. There are two types of women in this LOST world (universes/realities aside) those who are dead and those who have been on the receiving end of Sawyer’s Long Con (I assume he calls it Huckleberry). In the case of Juliet, you can be both. Ilana…Claire…Flight Attendant Cindy…you are all on notice. There is a war coming to the Island, and you must choose a side.
B. I am finally convinced of the genius in the Sideways World plot device. LOST is now the first show to full embrace Fan Fiction, to the point that they are putting it IN their show. Oh, Saywer’s a cop, so he’s a good guy! But he’s still on a quest for revenge! But he gets all the LADIES! But they don’t let him just take advantage of them because he is charming! But he is still REALLY charming! And Miles is his partner! And Miles gets more than three lines in an episode! And Miles has a girlfriend! RIIIIIGHT. Good one, Lostpedia message board FanFic section. Hopefully this all shakes out before Scottish Ambassador Desmond Hume attends a Nobel Quantum Physics For Peace presentation by Dr. Daniel Faraday which will OF COURSE be held in Los Angeles, of all places.
C. I was going to question why Sawyer’s unyielding thirst for revenge led him to become a cop in Southern California when his parents died in Alabama, but it’s pretty clear that he goes wherever Huck takes him. Tuscalossa ain’t got tiny British bang-on-the-first-date antropologists just hanging around, do they buddy?
D. There’s no question that Miles and Sawyer have a close relationship as partners – close enough to get each other coffee, hook each other up on blind dates, run each other’s credit cards out of pure jealosy and confess to each other plans of premeditated murder. I will let ALL OF THAT slide. But what is the deal with Miles leading a team of cops who spent all that time watching Sawyer bang the grumpy chick from Prison Break just so they could plant a homing device on her husband?
E. Listen, I’m not telling you how to live – you are the trained metropolitan detective, after all – but maybe you don’t keep your Top Secret Revenge Dossier in the drawer you let all the one night stands rifle through for t-shirts. And besides, that drawer was full of pairs of jeans! You keep your t-shirts, jeans and Top Secret Revenge Dossier in the same top drawer? You got some problem with bending over? What the hell do you keep in the other three drawers? More six packs of Mug Root Beer? There isn’t a lot of stuff in your apartment. I think you can afford a dedicated Top Secret Revenge Dossier drawer.
II. Super Conman Powers, Activate!
A. Just because you didn’t show a “Previously On…” segment doesn’t mean you can fool me, LOST. I know Sawyer’s been AWOL for two episodes now. Brewing tea doesn’t take that long. I want a flashback that shows him trying to climb back up the bamboo ladders for a day and a half.
B. I’ll bet that Sawyer didn’t know his “hell yes” response to the dark side recruiting pitch meant he had to give up having the whole Dharma Village to himself so he could share Claire’s ramshackle studio apartment with three other people. Sure, it’s big enough for a single mom and her baby made of animal bones, but they’re a big happy family now and they could use a door and a toilet. I mean, you don’t want the dog looking at you.
C. Sawyer’s internal “con/don’t con” switch is now permanently flipped ON, and he is dropping lines like a used car salesman. We’re all leaving, folks. What’s that, can’t forget your wife? Well we’ll get her, too! Hey you, there’s a bald guy on the big Island looking to kick your ass, and I’ll help you out if you help me out. Hey YOU, there’s a bald guy on the little island looking to kick your ass, and I’ll help you out if you help me out. I’m a little worred that everyone will wind up finding out that Sawyer’s playing them and it will result in some wacky comeuppance followed by a prolonged laugh track, a la TGIF sitcoms.
D. Ok, Herbert (our mutually-agreed-upon name for Not-Locke, since no one else can give him a fucking name) has been awfully straightforward with a lot of his answers; “I am the smoke thingy” might be the most honest and simple thing anyone has said on this show ever. HOWEVER, he loves the “what” and the “how” but not so much of the “why.” Whenever he has to provide his reasons for doing anything, he starts dropping philosophy on fools hoping they’ll get too dizzy to follow up. I think Sawyer and Kate both kinda go along with it because they want to be spared another final-scene-of-a-West-Wing-episode monologue every time they ask him to elaborate.
E. Speaking of, I know he was foreshadowing (thanks, score by Michael Giacchino!) but Herbert lost me on the crazy mother thing. “Oh, my mom was nuts, so I made Claire go nuts so Aaron could be like me because I am clearly a very happy, very complete person.” Basically everything to do with Kate and Claire is insane. Even if I didn’t want to see Kate get stabbed (and I did, see my review of Sundown), I would try to stab her just to get rid of that whole Claire/Kate/Aaron loose end.
F. I was joking at first, but this episode is definitely about all the action Sawyer gets. When he starts getting weepy over the cages where he first got it on with Kate. It’s like he dropped by the bleachers of the high school football stadium and teared up a little. Although sniffing her old clothes was apparently all it took for him to forget Juliet (“Who? Oh right, her.” – Sawyer’s internal dialogue).
G. Continuing the James Ford Greatest Hits Collection (tentative title: “Lyin’ & Layin'”), he out-cons unwashed Tina Fey the Widmore con-woman, but I don’t see why her having a boyfriend in Guam was the last straw. He was all like “A ha, Liz Lemon would never have a boyfriend, that would ruin a central conceit of the show!” and she’s like “whoops, gun squad,” so I guess he knew she was lying because she didn’t want to sleep with him? He wasn’t so good on knowing the gun squad was there.
H. Charles Widmore had a long-ass submarine ride to finish filing all his “return to the Island” paperwork. What the hell is he writing about in his little mobile office? “Dear diary, Sawyer’s dreamy but idk if I trust him. XOXO.” You just landed on the Island you were banished from back in the 80s (or whenever, it’s hard to gauge because your haircut was TIMELESS); go for a walk.
I. Also, since I’m not done calling Chuckie Dubs a ‘tard: people got to the Island through any number of methods: airliner, biplane, hot air balloon, medieval slave ship, freighter, helicopter and submarine that we know of. John Locke has demonstrated the experience and knowledge necessary to blow up ONE of those modes of transportation. So clearly you’re making an excellent choice here.
J. As of like two days ago, Sawyer kicked Kate out of Dharma Town, then he checks out their old apartment on Hydra Island, gets the old feelings back and suddenly that stupid bitch is his only dog in this fight. OF COURSE.
K. And I’m sorry, score by Michael Giacchino, but his little “we’re taking the sub” revelation is NOT a dramatic ending. What, is Sawyer’s sub-command experience supposed to be the twist? Who said a fucking submarine is so much easier to use than a plane? “Oh, I’ve seen movies, you just tell someone to dive and then it goes.” Sawyer’s only experience on a sub involves talking Juliet out of it TWICE (“Julie- oh, her again” – Sawyer’s internal dialogue). I am no more surprised by your ignorance about the sub than I am that you can hook up with any woman on the Island yet keep ending up back with Kate (in this universe or the next).