LOST Notes: The Package – Look, I Like Jin And All, But Does Anyone Know How Long Until V Returns?

“Sun, you came down with a rare condition called a crippling lack of identifiable pathos – this will pass once we’ve fooled the audience into caring about you again.”

The Guy Without A Fucking Name Who Turns Into Fucking Black Smoke And Answers Everyone’s Fucking Question With A Long Fucking Soliloquy About His Fucking World View: I don’t like secrets.

This week: I’ll try to keep it short since we all did a lot of reading during the episode itself. 

– With this being the last season and all, I get the feeling that this episode and last week’s scenes in the Canary Islands amount to a victory lap for their subtitle guy. 

– How do you make a Jin/Sun episode more interesting? Make it about everyone else.  I think every Big Bad in series history (Ben, Widmore, Keamy, Locke/Herbert, heck, even Sayid depending on your view of the wrong-tipping scale within him) had a moment in the sun this episode.  Not to be confused with Jin, who had a moment in the Sun.  Sorry, that was gross. 

"All I ask is that you don't ruin my eye when you kill me, because I don't want to have to explain to everyone in hell how that's not an 'ironic death.'

– Listen, Jin will carry on a secret affair across class lines, but running away from home, that’s off limits.  Speaking of dangerous liaisons, the easiest way to keep your boss from finding out that you are banging his little girl is to WRAP IT UP, Jin.  Then you don’t have to worry about what happens when she gets shot in the stomach, and you don’t have to realize while you are carrying your half-dead lover to the emergency room that she didn’t tell you she was pregnant until after you had sex and that she has a nasty habit of not sharing information like bank accounts or offspring until the last minute.

– It didn’t sound like there was a lot of time between Jin being refrigerated and Sayid arriving on scene to pull a Sayid on everyone’s ass.  I know we thought Keamy died of being shot in the stomach (although he lived long enough to let Mikhail get murdered for like the 73rd time), but pre-shooting he ate some seriously undercooked eggs that came from a kitchen with numerous visible health code violations (you just leave food open in the fridge? What happened to all your plastic wrap, did the Temple people take it [foreshadowing joke! Parentheses inside parentheses! It’s the final season, all bets are off!])>}.  I think Keamy died of food poisoning, ya’ll.  Also from the intense strain he put on his face to make it appear like he is smiling.

– The thin line between Herbert, unnamed Island supernatural entity, and John Locke, inept and naive wannabe, is never more evident than his return to Camp Evil post-attack.  I want to find out what happened, so I’m going to revive the emotionless guy with the dart in his BACK.  I know Sayid is the prize recruit (and Sawyer is definitely getting jealous that he’s not #2 anymore), but maybe we talk to someone with a dart in their CHEST first.

– Came someone explain to me where Sayid got the plastic to wrap up his gun before he went all Apocalypse Eventually on Hydra Island?  I am not saying that Herbert’s Homeys (formerly Red Temple Squad) are cave people, but unless the show is making a comment on biodegradability and the environment, there shouldn’t be any Ziploc bags in their mobile pantry. 

"Ok, you guys have fun, I'll just be over here fighting off Middle Child Syndrome and practicing my eventual loveless marriage with Kate."

– The promise of Kate being murdered by Claire is a cheap ploy to keep me interested in her until the end, LOST, but it’s working.  She’s not a candidate, she’s completed her plan (“Step 1: find Claire, Step 2: ????, Step 3: Profits/escape from Island”) and now all she does is sit by the fire and nag Sawyer.  If she wasn’t 85 pounds of Jack-nip just waiting to ruin all the progress Doc S has made in the “rational thinking” category, she’d probably be dead already. AND I LOVE THAT.

SMART DECISIONS, Part One: Taking Miles and Lapidus, exceedingly interesting characters who are constantly shifted to the backburner, and putting them in comic relief scenes together.  I know Frank is only around to eventually fly the plane off the Island, and Miles is only around in case they need to talk to the dead when it’s convenient (and when Hurley is otherwise occupied), but if you give me one scene a week with the two of them, I will be happy.

SMART DECISIONS, Part Deux: Removing Jack from an assumed dictator-esque leadership role and turning him back into the calm, slightly smug guy who knows a lot and occasionally saunters up to people like he’s not trying to initiate a conversation when he totally is.

– Counterpoint to that, however: being Cool Medical Knowledge Guy still has its limits.  To wit: Sun can’t speak English all of a sudden, so let’s give her the exact diagnosis down to the complex English term that she won’t be able to repeat or even spell if she wrote it on her notepad. 

"Oh my God...what is this, like 5 megapixels? The quality is amazing! Who's the brat?"

– I will say this about Sun, though (caution: teeth-gritting backpedaling ahead). Throughout the entirety of this show and the LOST Notes, I have been adamant that she is nothing but a vain, self-interested rich girl who doesn’t care about the greater good unless she gets what she wants – basically, she’s Shannon but with culture shock.  And that proved true in both realities – the escape plan and pregnancy bombshell in Earth 2 and the “fuck waiting, I’ma garden” bitchfit back on the Cork.  BUT (but but but), when she was faced with the same temptation that Ben rejected and Sayid and Sawyer and Claire all gave in to, she made like Kate and ran like hell.  All season I have been waiting for her to screw up everybody’s plan by shooting/blowing up/ruining something just to see Jin.  I am not ruling it out, but at this moment, she’s not so bad for a baby-abandoning narcissist. 

– No one picked up any Korean in all those years with Sun?  And while we’re at it, Richard, I’m not going to tell you how to spend your time after Jacob slapped you around on the beach, and Lord knows I’ll never find out how you actually spent it.  But for me personally, if I found out I was gonna live forever, I would pick up a few languages.  Korean probably wouldn’t have been first on my list, but it would have come up in 140 years or so.  Latin and the romance languages ain’t gonna work for everything, son.

– Why does Widmore need to ask everyone if they know who he is?  Sorry Chuck, but in the face of Impending Island Rapture, the correct answer is “who gives a shit?” You’re the second-best bald guy holed up on the second-best island flanked by a submarine and a large somewhat faceless group of followers, two things that have proved little challenge for John Lockes past and/or present. 

"I have got to stop using that 'see you in another life' line..."

– Speaking of Team Hydra and Charlie Dubs, I know that some people have derogatory names for their sons-in-law, but “The Package” is a pretty rough one.  Sure, kidnapping and drugging Desmond to force him back to the rainforest prison he was stuck in for years is, to put it lightly, a dick move (haha, package, dick move, get it? penis jokes), but to top it off by giving him a nickname that constantly requires clarification as a “who” instead of a “what”?  Cold, brotha.

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