LOST Notes: The Candidate – The Wreck Of The Franklin Lapidus

I've been shot multiple times, blown up, sent through time twice and THIS is how I'm going to die?

Sayid Jarrah: Because it’s going to be you, Jack.

This week: You Must Be THIS Relevant To The Final Plot And Themes To Continue…

– Now that Jack and his son are BFFs and totally getting Dodgers season tickets when this whole “dural sac” epidemic blows over, maybe he can ask the little lamb to Google “HPPA Laws” before he goes nosing into medical histories of people who turn down surgery.  I get it, that “experimental procedure” would pay for a full week of golf at Augusta and you need to squeeze it through before Sideways Obamacare kicks in, but you should really just take a cold shower, have a slice of pizza and some warm store-brand root beer and think about the hard sell.  Maybe the guy just likes parking up close at the movie theater, you know?

– I appreciate that Chuckie Dubs took time out of his busy schedule of not knowing how to properly dress for an Island adventure/war just to be like “fyi, ya’ll, Kate ain’t nothin’ special.” But at the same time, he’s basically giving himself up, because if he wanted to prove that he could care less about the lives of the non-candidates, they’d be trying to figure out which Classic Frank Lapidus quip to carve on his bamboo cross headstone.   Kate got held at gunpoint because she was voted “Most Likely To Be Held At Gunpoint 23 Times” in the Dharma Initiative Class of ’77 yearbook.  We get it by now – if you want to make us think someone is dangerous when they’re really not (see also: Mr. Friendly, Desmond, etc.), have them point a gun at Kate.  In a related theory I call the Sawyer Corollary, when it comes to Nickname Jimmy and guns, he points waaaay more often than he shoots.  In a related theory to that, it’s not just guns.

– “I’m worried that people are going to forget how truly grating Bernard is as a character when this show goes off the air.”  “Good point…let’s rewrite his scene and replace Rose with a dental drill.”

– I like a big explosion-heavy mortar attack more than I like a scene justifying why the Temple people just scattered away from the Big Evil Black Smoke Demon Thing they had all been conditioned to fear since becoming Temple people, but I didn’t know the budget was only going to cover one of the two.

– Speaking of the Big Evil Black Smoke Demon Thing, based on his attack on the plane and his gunplay at the sub, it looks like someone took time out of their plan to escape the Island and spread darkness across the world to play the new Splinter Cell game!

– Also, it’s kinda racist of Sawyer and Jack to assume that Black Smoke can’t swim, even if they did turn out kinda right.

– I don’t think Sawyer’s an idiot for the Big Reason (not trusting Jack).  Jack is not that far removed from his last “I’m sure that I am right” position regarding a bomb, and that didn’t work out so well.  I think Sawyer is an idiot because he looked at the Iraqi military veteran in the middle of his explanation of the intricacies of disarming a makeshift C4 bomb and said “step aside.”  What in the fuck did you think you were going to do with that bomb, son?  Say “sonofabitch” at it?  Point a gun at it?  Double-cross it? Poorly hide the fact that you care about Kate more than the bomb?  Because those are the only four things you have done so far this year.  This was not the time to pull out tricks, this is the time when you let people do what they are good at. Kate gets herself in trouble, Hurley panics, Sayid does the technical stuff, Sun sits there being worthless and Jack trips over himself and ends up being right.  You’re just supposed to make a pop culture reference when it’s over.

– For a second, I thought Sayid was going to Magruber himself and everyone else with his last words, given his love of exposition.  “Jack, there is a well in the jungle, past the shack, somewhat close to the four-toed statue, the origins of which I’m not sure I was ever privy too, which I supposed would be one of my final regrets if I still had a soul, but hey, now that we’re thinking about that, when did I stop being Johnny Dead Eyes?  I mean, this is a pretty noble gesture for a guy who said he couldn’t feel anything a couple of days ago, ya know?  Crazy world, man.  Anyway, Desmond is in the well, and – hey wait a second, did you know Desmond was back?  That’s kind of a new development to you, I guess, so sorry to rock your world at a pretty critical moment.  Where was I?  Oh, right, to recap:  I was walking through the Dharma camp, and then I got shot, then…”

– “THERE IS NO SAYID! SINGULAR, I MEAN.  THERE ARE SEVERAL SMALL SAYIDS SCATTERED THROUGH THE OCEAN AT THIS POINT, SO IF YOU WERE TO SAY SAYIDS, I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU A STRAIGHT ANSWER, BUT IN THE INTEREST OF SEMANTICS, NO, THERE IS NO SAYID.”

– Earlier this season, I thought that the agent for the guy who plays Arzt was really earning his percentage, but Jeff Fahey’s people might be outdoing him. Frank Lapidus has been alive and on-screen for most of the A-plot this season (conveniently wearing a long-sleeved pilot’s shirt in a tropical climate) on the specious and frequent-refuted premise that he was going to be flying the plane when everyone escaped, yet he doesn’t bite it until 15-20 minutes AFTER the plane is off the table as an escape option.  Granted, he gets a pretty swift dismissal – “sorry, no plane, say, ever flown a sub? whoops, door in your face, have fun breathing water.” – but Lapidus couldn’t have been any more of a redshirt if William Shatner kept calling him “Ensign,” yet he stays alive longer than Sayid and just less than the Kwon dynasty.  Amazing.

– You bet your ass that I am going to shrug off the emotional weight of Sun’s death, even if it means discarding Jin, too.  I’m sorry, folks, I know it’s a hectic time what with the drowning, but neither of you considered the possibility of Jin – formerly infertile Jin, if we’re looking for relevant descriptors – living to meet his only daughter?  Just because you mentioned that she’s with Sun’s mother doesn’t make it ok that you are both like “I love you too much to live!” without a second thought.  First of all, that woman is 50% responsible for bringing Sun into the world, so her track record for evil is documented.  Secondly, she chose to marry Sun’s father, who despite the noble mission of keeping anyone from wasting their life on his daughter, is still kind of a douche.  Ji Yeon is not going to be fine, ya’ll.  Now, we know that Sun doesn’t care about the girl – taking Facebook photos of your kids doesn’t mean you’re a good mother, especially when you got on an airplane you knew was going to crash.  But Jin, I had higher hopes for you.  Sun only told you to leave the sub because she knew you wouldn’t!  You have to be smart enough to get the hell out!

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Matt says:

    Agreed, Jin and Sun as one collective “Kwon” candidate would be kinda cool. I’d love to see Jin again, although it would pain me if he’s tied to Sun for eternity.

    It’s a feat unto itself that Lapidus lasted this long. He’s been around for three seasons and had more screen time than Mr. Eko, even, despite never having a backstory or anything besides a weekly wisecrack. His survival this late in the game is like Funaki lasting until the top ten of a Royal Rumble or something.

  2. Stephe says:

    I, too, was struck by the apparent lack of HPPA laws in the sideways.

    Kind of sucked to see Lapidus go, but it’s time to thin the heard anyway. Got to get down to the new Jacob somehow.

    Wouldn’t it be kind of fun for them to somehow manage Sun and Jin as the new incarnations of black smoke and Jacob.

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