LOST Notes: What They Died For – Desmond’s Eleven

Yes, Jack, you were brought here to do something...to be the viable white male candidate in a race against the fat Hispanic guy, the unreliable woman and the smooth-talking murderer. So, uh, congrats.

Jacob: It’s just a line of chalk in a cave.

This Week: It has to be Jack. Meanwhile, Desmond’s getting the band together for one last heist…

– I fully acknowledge that this is nitpicking, but the commercial break cliffhangers are still killing me. Ooh, Jack knows they have to kill Locke! You mean like he tried to do in season three? Desmond is the fail-safe! You mean the same way he was the fail-safe in season two? Wow, one of them is going to replace Jacob? And now it’s time to replace Jacob? I mean, I appreciate that you don’t go out of your way to create fake drama just for an act break, but you should really just give Michael Giacchino the night off and quit hitting the dramatic high-notes. I’ll give you the one with Ben asking about people to kill (although I preferred the line about Widmore not saving his daughter), but bringing in Evil Ben is almost cheating, it’s like putting an ice skater on Dancing With The Stars.

– The way Desmond is gathering the survivors, I’m pretty sure the finale is going to feature cameos from George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon as they all conspire to steal the Smoke Monster’s money from The Cave Of Wondrous Light And Happiness™.

– So when we last left Richard, Ben and Miles, they were walking. We catch up with them a few episodes later, and they are…walking. Nice job, gentlemen. It’s great to see that the undead Island prophet, the Machiavellian ex-Other chieftain and the guy who hears dead people can combine their powers to accomplish as much as Flight Attendant Cindy and the Tail Section Kids. (BTW, that’s the name of my new prog-ska band.) But hey, I guess it takes a bit longer to get anywhere when your balls have been cut off (in this context, it’s called getting Sawyer’d).

– So Ben, while getting beat up on the school playground, has a flashback to some other time when he was getting beat up? Shocker. I’m impressed he was able to zero in on just one asskicking considering how many times he’s been tenderized. I’m not yet convinced that the finale won’t feature Zombie Sayid (well, re-Zombie Sayid, the undead version of the previously undead guy, a Zombie Zombie Sayid, if you will) rising from the ocean depths to put the boots to Ben one last time.

– “Are we looking to cripple the plane or blow it to hell?” “Gee, I dunno, Ben, let’s err on the side of caution on this one. I mean, you never know when we can use an intact but nonoperational plane, let’s just ding it up a little bit.” It’s the Island Apocalypse, son. I know you want to be overdramatic but don’t leave anything on the bench.

– Hey, Miles, can you still speak to the dead? Richard, do you still have history with the Man In Locke? Ok, great, just checking. Ya’ll can go now. Thxbye. Ben, are you still a repentant evil genius struggling to redeem yourself by subverting your selfish intentions? What? No? Ok, you can stick around, I guess. Wait, you too, Widmore? Sorry, only room for one relapsed sociopath in the Finale Boat.

– I think Rousseau had it written into her contract that she MUST appear in lipstick in at least one episode.

– Ben wants to watch Herbert Smokerson kill Widmore and Zoey because, as a presumed lifelong virgin, violence is the closest thing he knows to sex. Which makes me reconsider all the beatings he’s taken over the past few seasons.

– So Kate stopped being a “candidate” because she’s a mom, which is a nice way of saying it’s because she’s a woman. Nice job by Jacob to think on his feet, though – he established that Affirmative Action hiring program pretty quickly to avoid the discrimination lawsuit. By the way, it’s in quotes now because Island Protector turns out to be like California Governor – anyone can run for the job. Kate is the Mary Carey of “candidates” available.

– It was a savvy move, too, because Jacob knows Kate wouldn’t even submit a resume for that position. Hey Kate, stay on this empty rock in the middle of the ocean with no available escape routes for hundreds of years. The other side is that if she ended up being The One, the last episode would be about six minutes long (allowing four and a half minutes for credits and 30 seconds for Jack and Sawyer to finally make out and get it over with.

– Ok, in hindsight, I’ll give them credit for last week’s episode: by showing that Jacob also started out as a simple goof with an irrational belief system, it makes us think that Jack’s got a fighting chance in this thing after all.

– Six years and 119 episodes and NOW is the time that Jacob decides to start calling people on their bullshit. Hi, buddy, I think Boone, Shannon, Eko, Michael, Libby and a few dozen other lines of chalk in a cave would like to discuss your choice of timing.

– Also, the “line of chalk” thing is the ultimate LOST F*ck You (not to be confused with a F*ck You LOST, which is the state of being I’m in when a season six episode ends), which is that thing they do where they show us something (like a cave full of names, or a bottle of vaccine with the numbers on it, for example), then come back a few episodes later and be all, “Hey, you remember that thing you probably thought was important? Well it’s not, dummy.” No, you’re right, it’s my fault for believing the list you showed us two weeks in a row because that Jacob deemed it necessary to write down twice was some important line of delineation. Can’t figure out where I got that from.

– I’m glad we’re getting close to the end, because there are only so many times that the Man In Locke can be like, “they’re playing right into my hands” whenever something doesn’t seem to be playing right into his hands. I get it, you don’t want to look weird in front of Ben because his friendship is new and exciting, but you threw the Hume down the well and now he’s back on his feet and just waiting to be chucked into The Cave Of Wondrous Light And Happiness™ but a guy who keeps saying “it’s all according to my plan” is a guy who spent his centuries-long vengeance-thirsting existence thinking up a whole bunch of tiny plans instead of one really big one.

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