I remember the first time I saw a review for this movie on Badmovies.org. I knew I wanted to see it, but knew the odds were long.
Imagine my surprise when I was digging through the available streaming options on Netflix and stumbled upon it again. Into the queue it went and now I’m ready to review it.
The more pressing question is…are you ready to read this review?
Are you sure?
Okay, then let’s begin.
Say hello to our narrator. He isn’t given a name, but I think that’s Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes. I guess he took his breakup with Kate Hudson a lot harder than any of us really thought. He pops out of the bushes periodically to rant, rave and spout what sound like bible verses. That or outtakes of Samuel L. Jackson’s Pulp Fiction speech. What he doesn’t really do is set things up. For that, you’d need him to be coherent. Not Chris’ strong suit.
The first thing we see is a woman dressed in a maid’s uniform being bled out by a female vampire in a parking lot. Then the vampire gets in her economy car and drives across town. Haven’t the vampires heard about going green? Does it clash with the red of the blood? Anyway, she arrives at her destination in broad daylight with no apparent ill effects from the sunlight.
Hold on! Isn’t she a vampire? Did someone insert a reel from Twilight into our movie?
Cut to a pair of priests, one wearing a huge red spike mohawk. They are discussing a recent crop of vampire killings in their parish. The victims have all been lesbians. The priests are concerned about the killings, because we all know how the Church feels about alternate lifestyles. They finalize a plan. Its bold. Its audacious. It requires spikey priest to ride a scooter in a helmet with a custom cutout for his do that I’m sure voids the helmet’s manufacturer’s warranty.
They arrive at a secluded beach where we see a guy dunking people in the water. Its either the messiah, in hiding, or a really odd spring break party.
Turns out it was Jesus and he knows kung fu.
The female vampires attack and bleed out the priests, but Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter (JCVH from here on out) takes care of business as only he can. These new vampires may not be afraid of the sun, but they better fear the SON.
Jesus heads back into town. What better way to announce your return to the world than with a quick haircut and a couple of piercings. He’s forward thinking our JCVH.
From there he meets up with Father Eustace. The padre is nice enough to put him up in an efficiency apartment the parish keeps for visiting clergy. Really? The son of God is back in town to help you kill vampires and you can’t get him nicer digs? Come on Eustace.
JCVH heads into town to buy some wood (“Gotta make stakes.”) On his way back to his dumpy apartment, JCVH is attacked by…atheists. Seems nobody who believes in him noticed him walking down the street with an armload of firewood, but the disbelievers, well, they spotted him right away.
JCVY handily dispatches the first group of atheists, but these guys apparently bought their jeep from the nearby clown college. No matter how many JCVH KO’s, more pile out to replace them. There must have been 40 atheists in that jeep. Somebody call the Book of Records.
No sooner has JCVH settled in than his apartment is broken into by a chick with a gun. Her name? Mary Magnum. See what they did there. After the obligatory misunderstanding fight scene, Mary whips out some ID to prove she’s with some super secret branch of the church and they are on the same team. Misunderstanding rectified what to do?
Of course, take a sauna with a laptop and give us the vampire exposition.
Then Mary takes JCVH for a quick makeover. I don’t think JCVH is turning a cheek, or anything else for that matter.
Whilst in the secondhand…I mean vintage…clothing store, the female vampire from earlier appears. She threatens the clerk and then takes off, once again in her Honda.
Mary and JCVH follow on a dirt bike. They trail her to a hospital where JCVH is thwarted by a locked door. Instead of turning it wine or fish or mystically throwing the bolt, JCVH decides its a better plan to pile into the airducts John McClane style.
Meet Dr. Praetorius, mad scientist and vampire ally. It seems he is responsible for the vampires’ newfound daywalking abilities. He’s grafting the skin from the dead lesbians onto the vampires to protect them from the rays of the sun. As ridiculous as that sounds, its more sane than any explanation given in Twilight.
Praetorius is given his marching orders by Johnny Golgotha, HVIC. I think he’s going for Lost Boy here, but fails miserably.
JCVH and Mary engage in a rooftop chase and fight with the vampires. Things do not go well. JCVH gets his ass handed to him by Johnny Golgotha. Mary gets beat down and bled out by the chick vampire. Poor Mary. We hardly knew her and her vast collection of vinyl catsuits.
JCVH takes solace in a run down diner. It is there that God appears to him in a bowl of cherries and tells him the only way to beat the vampires is to call in a specialist…this man.
Thats’ Santos…with a extra “s”, not to be confused with El Santo, the legendary luchadore and Mexican movie star. I’m pretty sure the extra “s” is all that kept them from getting “s”ued by the e”s”tate of El Santo.
Santos arrives in a glider with his assistant. I’ll let you make your own jokes. I think she must have flunked out of the Pussy Galore School for Double Entendre Naming.
JCVH takes Santos for a drink, because what you want on your side is an overweight, liquored up luchadore. Burning bushes and/or bowls of cherries aren’t what they used to be.
At the bar, JCVH hops on stage to take a turn with the band. It is during this number that JCVH looks in the mirror and notices that he can only see Santos and Gloria. EVERYONE ELSE IN THE BAR IS A VAMPIRE!
This of course leads to a vampire/luchadore/messiah bar fight of epic proportions. The fight choreographer clearly took his cue from From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. Anything made from wood is used to put down the vampires, including a plunger once the action makes its may into the bathroom.
Our heroes are captured by the vampires and taken to a salvage yard to meet their makers. Wait…didn’t Santos and Gloria already do that. Nevermind.
It turns out Father Eustace, who looks a lot like MCA from the Beastie Boys, is actually a vampire and this was all a plot to rid his parish of lesbians. He doesn’t like them after all. See, I told you.
JCVH is tied up and strung between a pair of compact cars to be drawn and quartered, or halved. I’m note good at metric fractions.
Santos, having seen enough, breaks his chains and saves JCVH. He rearms JCVH and we’re back into fight time.
As JCVH tangles with Eustace, Golgotha, Mary Magnum and the other female vampire, Santos is attacked by a pair of female vampire luchadoras. EXCELLENT!
The fight culminates with Eustace and Golgotha spiking JCVH with one of his own stakes. Big mistake. Apparently the stake activated JCVN’s arclight and he goes all Iron Man spraying all the vamps with divine EMPs.
Game over vampires! Game over!
JCVH uses his holy powers to cure Mary, the female vampire (whose name is Maxine by the way) and Santos’ new girlfriend of vampirism. Just to make sure it works, they check those canines.
Their work done, JCVH and Santos hold a sparsely attended press conference in the park to tell the world all it needs is love.
I’m thinking if Jesus suddenly reappeared and stopped a vampire horde from killing lesbians in Canada with the help of a luchadore there may be more coverage. That could just be me.
I went into this with low expectations. I was pleasantly surprised. Sure, the audio track was out of synch from the beginning and nobody involved was going to win an Oscar. That, dear readers, isn’t why you watch a movie like this. You watch it for pure schlock value. On that count, Jesus Christ ,Vampire Hunter delivered.
Its streaming on Netflix if you’re so inclined.
It can’t be any worse than these damned Twilight movies.
I’m just saying.